What I Wished I'd Known Before I Had a Baby

I was a well-informed, proactive, soon-to-be parent. I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and joined a BabyCenter email list (yes, this was 20 years ago, don’t judge).  I would get a weekly email telling me, "Your baby is a Kumquat"!  I had no idea what a kumquat was.  I swear they used the most obscure fruits and vegetables to compare your baby to, but I loved it and soaked up every bit of information I could find about my growing baby.

I felt prepared. 

LOL. Boy, was I wrong.

Instead of just learning about my baby, I should have been preparing myself—physically, mentally, and emotionally—for the reality of being a new mom. So, here’s what I wish someone had told me before I had a baby.

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1. Work Out and Get Strong Before You Get Pregnant 

Yes, take your prenatal vitamins, but also—work out. You’re about to carry around a human bowling ball that keeps getting bigger. Have you ever carried around a bowling ball all day? Lifted it up, bounced it around, or held it in place for hours? I didn't think so, but that is exactly what you're doing during and after pregnancy.

And don’t get me started on back pain. I worked at two chiropractic offices, and most of the patients were moms. Back pain is real, and you don’t want to be out of commission when you have a newborn.  I threw my back out multiple time and trust me when I say, you can't do anything when your back is out. So here’s what to do:

• Strengthen your core, arms, and back before and during pregnancy. (consult with your doctor or physical therapist)

• Learn proper lifting techniques—always lift with your legs, not your back.

• When the baby comes, be mindful of how you hold and carry them.

• Use pillows to prop up your baby while nursing or holding them.

• Switch sides when holding your baby—favoring one side can build muscles on only one side and can make your body off balance, which can throw your back out.

• Limit time in a front carrier—I learned this the hard way after wearing mine for five hours straight and throwing my back out.  Front carriers put pressure on only one part of your back.  Be mindful of that.  Use strollers or other people if you have to.

Your body is about to go through a lot. Give it the strength to handle what’s coming.

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2. You Can’t—and Shouldn’t—Do It Alone

Babies are demanding. They wake up all night, they need constant attention, and they will change your life. Raising a baby is a two-person job (at minimum), so set up your support system now.

• Talk to your partner about dividing responsibilities. (If he refuses to change diapers, reconsider your life choices.  Don't even get me started on this one)

• Line up family or friends who can help you take naps or give you a break on a daily and weekly basis.

• Research sleep training—your future, well-rested self will thank you. (On Becoming Baby Wise and The Baby Whisperer were my lifesavers.)

• Plan ahead for sleep—will you breastfeed and pump so your partner can take night shifts? Bottle feeding is not a sin and can save you.  Can a grandparent help during the day?

• Get alone time—even an hour a day to do something for you makes a difference.  Showers all of a sudden become a luxury.

• Line up meals or put meals in your freezer—When someone brought me a meal, I didn't realize how helpful it would be, but less grocery shopping, less dishes and having leftovers to eat are a huge help!  Remember, you have a small baby now who won't let you stand by the stove or take time to do the dishes without a fight.  Going to the grocery store will take a lot of planning. Accept the help, line up help and don't forget to stock up on some paper plates. (I love the environment, but less dishes and more sleep after having a baby are huge.)

You are not supposed to do this all by yourself. It really does take a village.

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3. Don’t Plan Anything Big for a Year

You might feel great a few weeks after giving birth, but trust me, your body is still healing and you are learning how to be a mother.  You're getting mentally and emotionally use to being a parent. Don't pretend you didn't just have a baby either.  So many people expect you to do that or you expect that of yourself.  I think women are use to this because they have their period every month and they push through and pretend they're not cramping and bleeding while at work and school.  If you do this you will be stressed, upset and not enjoy your introduction to motherhood.  You baby will need you at the same time you need to be cooking dinner for you guests.  Let yourself get use to your new flow of life. 

Also, manage your guests.  One of my friend's mother-in-law came to visit right after she had her baby.  My friend was expecting to get help, but her mother-in-law wanted to be waited on hand and foot and expected to be taken around the city on site seeing tours.  She not only was unhelpful, but exhausting for a new mom to handle.  And, my friends own mother couldn't come help because her mother-in-law was in the guest room.  Don't let this happen, talk to your guests beforehand to let them know what you can handle.  Tell your husband to talk to his mom about visitor expectations postpartum.  If people are visiting, they should be a help, not an added burden.  Most normal people will automatically know this  and the other people don't need to visit until you're feeling up to dealing with them. 

Here are a few other things you shouldn't do the six months to a year after having a baby:

• Don't move to a new house.  (This happens all of the time!)

• Don't renovate your home. (It can wait or do it before.  You need clean water and a clean environment and you don't want dust or asbestos floating around.)

• Don't plan a massive vacation. (Flying and traveling long distances with a newborn will be exhausting for you and risky for your babies health)

• Don't let your spouse schedule surgery or get injured (yes, this happened to me during two births!  Ok, you can't guarantee your spouse won't get hurt, but don't let them go skating at the skate park or do other high risk sports lol!).

Just focus on healing and bonding with your baby. The world can wait a year.  

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4. Your Marriage Still Matters

Your baby will be your world, but don’t let them replace your spouse. A strong marriage creates a stable, happy home for your child.

• Make time for date nights, even if it’s just takeout on the couch.

• Be kind to each other—sleep deprivation can make you both snappy, but try to be a team and fin humor instead of anger in situations.

• Keep in mind that kids mimic what they see—a loving marriage gives them security and a model for their own future relationships.

Parenthood is hard, but keeping your relationship strong is worth the effort 1000 times over.  Your children will thank you!

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5. Random but Important Tips

Here are a few extra nuggets of wisdom I learned the hard way:

• Prenatal yoga is amazing—it helps with back pain, flexibility, and stress. (Sheva Rae’s prenatal yoga video is a favorite!)  Find it Here!  I did it before and after I had my babies.

• Take your vitamins —they help prevent neural tube defects and provide your body with the extra vitamins it needs to grow and feed a baby.

• Eat well and brush your teeth—pregnancy can mess with your dental health (ask me about the time my dentist mocked me for getting cavities, then got pregnant and had her first cavity a year later. Karma!). You'll snack a lot when you're nursing, I always got hungry.  Remember to brush your teeth after that snack, or choose healthy fruits and vegetables to snack on instead of crackers like I did. 

• Be careful with stairs postpartum—those same muscles you used for childbirth? Yep, they’re used for stairs too. I ran up and down mine too soon and regretted it for days.

• Books to read—pick up books about parenting, getting your baby to sleep through the night and nutrition.  Some of my favorites were On Becoming Baby Wise, Baby Whisperer, Parenting with Love and Logic, Atomic Habits and Harry Potter.  Ok, the last one isn't a parenting book, but I read the series when I was pregnant and nursing (when they first came out) and it was so fun!

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Final Thoughts

Motherhood is a miracle and every child who is born is a miracle.  So many things need to go right in order for this to happen.  We need to remember how amazing pregnancy and our new little babies are.

If you take care of your body and relationships, you’ll set yourself up for a smoother transition into this wild, wonderful journey of parenthood.

Now, go do some planks. Your future mom-self will thank you.